Teenagers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was reading Red Mums blog , she was talking about her daughter, who is a teenager and it really rang true with me as I have an almost 14 yr old step son and a 13 1/2 yr old daughter. Now they are very different people with different interests and personalities but they do share some traits which , it seems from reading other blogs, all teenagers have in common.

They are the centre of the universe, the world and the rest of the planets revolve around them and when they need to do something the world must stop revolving until they are sorted out.
Any idea that Mum and Dad may have a life to lead too is just too unbelievable.
Like:-
Loving daughter " can I go to the disco at (insert name of any venue here)"
Me " when is it?"
LD " Friday night"
Me " Might be a problem, what time does it start and finish?"
LD "7 til 9.30 why is it a problem?"
Me " because I have arranged to go out on Friday night"
LD " Out, out where?"
Me " to meet some friends for a pint, is it that incredible that I have friends or a social life?"
LD " No, but I have told everyone that you will take them home afterwards"
Me "Well you will have to untell them, and why would you tell them I would before checking with me?"
LD " Because we are the only ones with a 7 seater car,so you can pick everyone up, otherwise it means 2 parents coming out"
Me " oh heaven forbid that other parents should pick their children up"
LD " Daaaaaad will you , cos it will be dead embarrassing if I have to go and tell them you wont now"
Me " sorry I have already made arrangements, I will be happy to pick them all up at home a drop them off at the disco, if you can all arrange who is picking you up"
LD " Right, whatever, don't you care that I'll be really shown up now?"
Me " and I need to speak to the parents picking you up before the night"
LD " Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad I'm not six you know"
Me(laughing) " I know you just do good impression don't you"
LD " Your not funny you know"
Me " Well I Make me laugh"
Cue LD rolling eyes, walking away muttering to herself

My eldest son who is almost 14 has developed this really quite peculiar and extremely annoying trait of telling lies in answer to questions that really aren't that important that they would need lying about.
Stupid stuff like have you made your sandwiches for lunch tomorrow? He says yes, then when I go in the fridge for the milk later, no sign of said sandwiches, so I think eewwww he hasn't put them in his bag already has he and shout him.

Me "Where are your sandwiches?"
Loving son " " ( that's one of his famous blank looks)
Me " Have you put them in your bag already?"
LS " Yes"
Me " Tut don't be disgusting , you will make yourself ill, go and get them and put them straight in the fridge"
LS " ok" Rolls eyes and walks off towards bedroom

10 minutes later still no sign of LS or sandwiches

Me " LS you have exactly 30 seconds to bring those sandwiches down"
LS "muuppphhhh ssyyyygghhh" (Muffled reply)
Me "29, 28, 27"
the sound of a migrating herd of wilderbeasts comes from the stairs
LS appears but no sandwiches
Me" where are the sandwiches?"
LS " I haven't made any"
Me " But you said they were in your bag"
LS " I know, I thought I had made them but I hadn't"
Me "?????????????????????????????????" (that's my wtf look)

Sometimes it hurts my brain being a Dad

Free association 138

Free association 138 from Lunanina she says------- we think, then type.

1. Crave:: to get the urge for something or a mix of things that are considered inappropriate like choc ice and chips or Sunday lunch with salad cream all over it ( I swear I have a friend who does this even when eating out!)
   
2. Whole package:: Do you want the whole package? This is the pont when you realise that the bargain is going to be more expensive than anticipated.
   
3. Roommates:: Only ever shared my rooms with girlfriends and now of course my wife, don't think I would fancy sharing with another bloke, far to messy.
   
4. 5:30:: Shall I go home now and sit in traffic or have a cuppa and wait for it to die down.
   
5. Lesbian:: always brings back the memory of some graffiti I saw years ago, it said " My mother made me a lesbian" and some wag had written underneath " If I gave her the wool would she make me one"
   
6. Poignant:: Poignant moment in every parents life when their child realizes that Mum or Dad don't actually know everything
   
7. Hurtful:: When people don't think but put mouth in drive before putting brain in gear
   
8. You and I:: Bloggers one and all
   
9. Grateful:: What we should all be more of, when we look around the world and realise that our life is not so bad after all.
   
10. Giggle:: the most beautiful sound in the world is the giggling of a child/children. I just hope I can still make mine giggle to balance out the telling off lol
    

Free association 137

Another glance into the mind from Lunanina

I know I didnt do Free association 136 but by the time I got around to doing it I had read to many other peoples for it to be my own association.

1. Less filling:: What you would never say to the person serving you at Subway
   
2. Glue:: The stuff you use to stick your fingers together when trying to fix something
   
3. Surprise me:: BOOO!!
   
4. Model:: Airplane, car or a person who looks like this ---->
   
5. Fee:: Fi Fo Fum I smell the blood of an English man
   
6. Microphone:: Very small mobile or cell phone?
   
7. Choices:: Sorry I think the c is missing should this be choc ices?
   
8. To the bone:: Where my dog goes when she is not sure of someone, she goes straight to her bone and guards it with her life either until the person leaves or she starts to trust them.
   
9. Run!:: The correct instruction that should be given by those entering the haunted house in any number of horror films, instead they say things like: lets look in the very dark basement, or lets follow this trail of blood to find out where it came from or the worst of the lot, I'll be right back
   
10. Appeal:: New product being cleverly marketed it involves selling the skin of apples hence the combined name.
    

Cheryl's new service

My good friend Cheryl at Mad Baggage has decided to offer a fantastic new service to all blog readers, I think she originally decided to do this to fill in her spare time.
The service is to give the correct definition for any words which are used in British blogs that are not understood by people living outside Great Britain i.e. slang or coloqial terms.
Please utilise this service as I am sure, it will make your blog reading and surfing a much more enjoyable experience and help Cheryl burn off some of that excess energy

Another definition post

I like to keep my regular readers up to date with the latest information, so here you go, sorry but no cows in this one

Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....


You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
....................That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed."
......................That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
......................That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
......................That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
.....................That's Brand Recognition.

What colour are you?

Nicked this from Jo over at Chez le laquet

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

Bloody Kids Thursday

I know I havent blogged for a week so this one is long enough to make up for it

Last Thursday was one of those days when right from the start you know its not going to be a good day.
I set off for a meeting in Birmingham at 10.00 am expecting to arrive around 11.30
On the way it was raining really heavily on the way down the M6 and of course the inevitable happened:- It came over the radio that there had been a crash on the Northbound carriageway which had blocked 2 lanes and caused a severe backlog of traffic, nothing to worry me I thought because I am on the Southbound, but no, I hadn’t allowed for all the rubber neckers slowing down on my side to have a good look at the crash, which caused, yes you guessed it a crash on the Southbound carriageway!! This meant that all the lanes were closed on the southbound carriageway to allow the police to clear the vehicles involved and all the debris. This gave me time to sit there and read the newspaper, twice.
I eventually arrived for my meeting at 2.30pm, 4 1/2hrs after setting off.

There were a lot of things to discuss and sort out so that made me quite late setting off home, after loading the back of the car with two bales of Hessian/plastic sacks it was nearly 8.00pm . I thought that the one advantage was that it was likely that the traffic would be very light and it wouldn’t take me long to get home.

As I set off it was raining again and got heavier and heavier then just for good measure it got a little heavier and then the wind picked up blowing the rain even harder against the windscreen. At one point I was down to 30 mph on the motorway with my wipers on their fastest setting and I was still having difficulty seeing, eventually after about an hour of driving in these conditions the rain decided to lift off a little.

Two junctions away from home I phoned my wife (still feels a bit weird saying that) to tell her that I would be about 25 minutes. Almost immediately that I had finished speaking to her I heard a loud bang and the car pulled hard to the right with a dum, dum, dum coming from the rear right hand side of the car. I pulled over to the hard shoulder and stopped the car at that moment the rain decided to return to its previous ferocity along with its friend the wind. I reached into the back to get my warm waterproof coat ( I have always kept one in the car since being stranded in the snow some years ago for 26 ½ hrs wearing a suit shirt and tie, the snow became deeper and covered the exhaust pipe so I couldn’t have the engine running and eventually suffered from the early stages of hyperthermia).But my coat wasn’t there I looked all over the car but it wasn’t anywhere to be found.

At this point I must relate a conversation that I had with my children the previous weekend:-

ME “ I am sick of the car being full of all this rubbish, I want everything taking out of it or no spends this week .
KIDS “ awwww Daaaaaad”
ME “ and you will be grounded for a week”
Kids ( they didn’t say anything but I could hear the cogs whirring)

Back to me in the car:- “aaaaaaarrrrggghhh You have got to be kidding me”, I got out of the car and walked round to the back right hand wheel, it was flat, what I expected
to find I don’t know, I didn’t really have to look at it to know it had no air in it. I then got back I the car absolutely drenched and freezing.
It then occurred to me that I had had this car for just over 10 months and perhaps in that time I should have read the owners handbook/manual then I might have an idea where the spare wheel was and how to get it out, where the tools and the jack to lift the car up were. Not to worry I know it’s in a little cubby hole in the left hand glove compartment.
I opened the glove box to get it out and guess what; yep that wasn’t there either, bloody kids!
I phone home and ask my wife to find out where the kids had put the stuff out of the car and look in the manual for where all the gear was. She found the book and told me that the tools were in a little compartment right at the back of the car. I located them, then she told me that the spare wheel was underneath the car and the thing to lower it was behind the third row of seats in the middle under a little flap. Slight problem there thinks I, remember (tut pay attention) there are 2 bales of sacks in the back of the car , stacked on top of each other, each weighing approx 200 kgs. I might be able to get them out of the car but there is no way I could lift them back in.
Sod it I thought I’ll phone Renault assist they’ll help me. So I did, they answered the phone very promptly ( good sign). I explained my predicament and the young lady said “oooh we don’t do punctures anymore as part of the service” but if I wanted help with the puncture someone would come out for a charge of £95!!!!! I asked if they came out would they help me get the bags out of and then back in the car, she asked how heavy they were and when I told her she went to check and then said no they aren’t insured to lift things that heavy. Shit I thought I could be here all night.

I telephoned my step-dad and mum who are also my business partners for any ideas, we came to the conclusion that the only thing for it was for my step-dad to come out and help me lift the bags out. Only drawback it would take him about 50 mins to an hour to get there.
Now I know that they advise you to get out of the car and wait behind the barrier but there was no bloody chance of that as I was still soaking wet and freezing. I sat there in the pitch-black (sorry did I forget to mention it was one of the stretches of motorway with no bloody lights) with articulated lorries thundering past at high speed within a foot of my car, quite un-nerving I am not afraid to say.
I telephoned my step-dad back and told him as the tyre was ruined anyway I was going to crawl down the hard shoulder to the next junction as it didn’t feel incredibly safe where I was. As I set off at about 5 mph I could see in the distance a roadwork sign and thought that perhaps there was a pull off area. I limped on and came to a sign saying the road works started in ¼ of a mile and even better there was free recovery from just a little down the road. I crawled past the ‘free recovery starts here’ sign and sat and waited. Within 5 minutes the recovery truck pulled up in front of me loaded the car on and off we went, he dropped me at the next services, so in I went and bought a £4 cup of coffee, ok they called it a latte and it came in a cup the size of a small bucket, but its still a bleedin coffee, and waited for the cavalry.

They arrived 20 minutes later, I say they because of course my mum still sees me as her little boy, and she had brought me a flask of tea and a coat. I had a quick slurp of the tea to please mother and then we got on with the job of changing the tyre. We got the car jacked up and released 3 of the nuts on the wheel but had problems with the last one, go the torch and had a look, it had some type of locking wheel nut on. I promised myself that I would read the owners handbook the following day, my
Step-dad told me that they normally store the key to the locks in a small plastic box along with the ordinary nuts they have taken off. “AHA” I said I know where they are they are in ………the…….. glove………..box……. Bloody kids. I checked just in case but no the box wasn’t there. I phoned my wife again and yes they were at home. So off they went to my house to pick them up about 30 minutes later they were back and we finally got the wheel changed and got home at 11.45.
I always say I wish that the kids would do as they are told…………………………………….. be careful what you wish for

Free association 135

Free association 135

from Lunanina she says .................my brain hurts

1. Julie:: Walters an underated actress
   
2. Emotional:: It's been (emotional) the best line by Vinnie Jones in Lock Stock and two smoking barrells
   
3. Head of household:: I'd say me but you would have to let me ask the wife first
   
4. Diva:: Two go ( Di =two va=Go) Which is what all the divas should do
   
5. Devastation:: the opposite of vastation
   
6. Business or pleasure:: do they have to be mutually exclusive?
   
7. Crown:: The.........serves a good pint of bitter
   
8. Eastern:: bloc countries
   
9. Buzzed:: Full of energy
   
10. Officer:: please dont hit me again........what to say when they get to the bit "anything you say will be taken down and may be used in evidence"
    

Cheryl the response

My friend Cheryl over at Mad Baggage has just gone back to work. What as I hear you
ask ....................( I know you didn't just play the bloody game will you)..............................................
A dinner lady................................at first I thought she must have lost her mind, I mean, can you think of anything more scary than hundreds of the little cherubs running round generally being rude and well being kids I suppose.

Then it dawned on me that this bloke

Jamie Oliver is rumoured to be doing a follow up series to the fantastic Jamies school dinners television programme and that Cheryl would like to replace Nora (The lady in this pic with Jamie) I know, I know but hormones can do funny things to you at her age.

Anyway part of my reason for blogging about Cheryl is her response to me tagging her for a meme You can read it here, I felt I should respond just to clarify a fewpoints.

I can recall on speaking to her on the phone for the first time saying that she sounded a bit like a cockney, I think what I said was that she reminded me of Dick van Dyke in Mary Poppins only with a deeper voice.

The bit about the website/chatroom we both joined around the same time is quite true and I must admit that Cheryl being called Chief No-eye-deer did amuse me greatly as did the name Idano (I Dunno geddit?). I must add we didn't really mislead people, more like wound the sh*t out of them for our own warped amusement as we both found that we had more or less the same dry and severely warped, at times, sense of humour. She does fail to tell you that she was a moderator and I was admin on the site eventually until the usual infighting took place and the site imploded.

With regard to Cheryls response to the meme I thought I should also point a few things out

Cheryl wrote :-

Seven things I can do:
1) Cross only one eye
2)make my knees and knuckles crack
3)bobbin lace (don't ask)
4)touch my head with my toes
5)kiss my own feet
6)fold a shirt properly (not down the middle) in four seconds
7)multitask

I answer:-

Point 1) But can you uncross them both?

2) what on earth are you doing that would make both your knuckles and knees crack?Or should I ask Gary?

3) Bobbin for what?

4) Shall I ask Gary again?

5)narcissism at its worst

7) Refer to points 2,3,4 and 5 you're not kidding.


About the 7 things she cant do, Cheryl said:-
Seven things I can't do
1)Pee standing up
2)swim a mile
3)play the saxophone
4)tolerate selfishness
5)make pastry
6)the splits
7)sit doing nothing; that drives me nuts

I believe the solution to point 1 lies in joining activities 1 and 2 together, and, that Cheryl is aware of this and is just being coy, just don't try it in the swimming baths as it might have that red dye stuff in ( according to Cheryl)

In case you didn't realise Cheryl and I are online mates, cos only mates can take the P out of each other like this. I am bracing myself for the backlash.

Good luck with the job Cheryl and don't let it stop you blogging or there will be a lot of disappointed people.

I didnt think I would post about Hurricane Katrina but....

I didnt think I would post about this as there has been so much already said and written by people much more competent, knowledgeable and intellegent than me, but after seeing the images the last couple of nights on Fox news, I just felt I need to have my say.

I can see in hindsight it is much easier to say what should have been done and USA goverment spokesmen/women are sticking with this tack at the moment, that they couldnt have predicted the devastation that would happen. The thing that makes this less believable is the fact that the hurricane was expected to hit as a Category 5 but actually "only" struck as a category 4 so surely the planning that was in place should have been more than sufficient. The starnge thing that struck me, and I can only go off what I have seen reported, The levees holding back the water were only built to withstand a Category 2!! WHY for heavens sake When they expect to get hit by category 3 's and 4's. Is it the US Government playing the percentage game? I.E whats the likelyhood of it really happening and then deciding to spend the money elsewhere.

People are being critised for not evacuating when they were told to, but if you have nowhere to go and no money to take you there, and all that you own in the world is what surrounds you in your home, or if a family member is too sick or frail to move, what are you supposed to do.

The Police are being criticised for not doing enough, well I watched a journalist last night interviewing a Cop when the Officer just burst into tears and said something along the lines of, I have so much to do, I am trying as hard as I can but seem to be getting nowhere and I am not even sure if my own family are safe. What some seem to forget is that the Police are human too, I know we all love to hate them when they pull us over for speeding, but give them a break, what would you have them do? With severely limited resources and fragile communications, I think in the main that they are showing super human strength of character Just as you would hope and many would count on.

Onto the looters, anybody who is taking stuff like food , water, perhaps dry clothes and shoes I dont think that there is anyone who would blame them, they have interviewed people that havent eaten for 3 days. I mean if it was me and my kids were hungry and thirsty in those circumstances I wouldnt hesitate to take some food and drink from a shop. As for those who are taking other things like the people the police caught going from house to house, stepping over the dead bodies of the householders to steal their valuables, they can do with them what they will.

One more thing about "looters" I was quite distressed by this, it seems even in disasters some people let other agendas or prejudices rule the way they think ( I must point out that I have had to find the pics from another site now, as the origional site has deleted them at the request of the associated press)
Draw your own conclusions















Enough pontificating from me anyway, my thoughts are with those who are still in the area, those still waiting to be rescued, if like me you feel a little useless not being able to do anything to help,You could do your bit and give a couple of quid or whatever you can spare to the American RedCross or the Salavation Army ( I did plan on putting the links here but they appear to be broken at the mo, hopefully from over use)