Chain Letters

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your bloody chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you,thank you
thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern...

I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and cleans up pre decimal currency.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get Weils Disease from the rat faeces and urine.

I no longer use Cling film in the microwave because it causes cancer.

In fact I can no longer use the microwave at all as if the seal around the door has not been tested then my testicles could be cooking at the same time as my lunch

I can no longer drink or eat anything containing asparteme as it will turn into formic acid inside me then dissolve me from inside out

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS/ EBOLA/ ANTHRAX.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

I no longer use margarine because it's one molecule away from being plastic.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from Link/Parcel Force/ UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number
for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica,Uganda,Nigeria Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer need to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus(not that I did before) since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

(errmmm, the Bible didn't mention that bit)

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,000,000th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the £50,000 that Microsoft and AOL and Sainsburys are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!

I will now return the favour.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhoea will crap on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and a disease of unknown origin will make you extremities drop off one at a time; largest first ( I know some of you boys will have a while to say goodbye to a certain part)

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my next door neighbor's mother-in-law's ex-husband's cousin's 2nd husband's ex-wife's mother's hairdressers dog.

Thank you and A Merry Christmas to you all :)