Chain Letters

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your bloody chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you,thank you
thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern...

I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and cleans up pre decimal currency.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get Weils Disease from the rat faeces and urine.

I no longer use Cling film in the microwave because it causes cancer.

In fact I can no longer use the microwave at all as if the seal around the door has not been tested then my testicles could be cooking at the same time as my lunch

I can no longer drink or eat anything containing asparteme as it will turn into formic acid inside me then dissolve me from inside out

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS/ EBOLA/ ANTHRAX.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

I no longer use margarine because it's one molecule away from being plastic.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from Link/Parcel Force/ UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number
for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica,Uganda,Nigeria Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer need to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus(not that I did before) since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

(errmmm, the Bible didn't mention that bit)

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,000,000th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the £50,000 that Microsoft and AOL and Sainsburys are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!

I will now return the favour.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhoea will crap on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and a disease of unknown origin will make you extremities drop off one at a time; largest first ( I know some of you boys will have a while to say goodbye to a certain part)

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my next door neighbor's mother-in-law's ex-husband's cousin's 2nd husband's ex-wife's mother's hairdressers dog.

Thank you and A Merry Christmas to you all :)

I got this meme from Jo at Chez le laquet who got it from Cheryl who got it from her hubby wolfwhite the weird (sorry Cheryl made me do it) who in turn got it from Cyn


This is how you play:

Do a Google image search of the following and post the first (or favorite if you want to cheat, but label it so) result for each:

The name of the town where you were born
The name of the town where you live now
Your name
Your grandmother’s name (just pick one)
Your favorite food
Your favorite drink
Your favorite song
Your favorite smell

So here are mine

Ardwick Green in Manchester, most of whichdoesn'tt exist any more, they knocked the house down where I was born about 38 years ago and it wasn't as grand as any of these just a little 2 up 2 down terrace, no inside loo or bathroom




The town where I live now. I picked this picture because my house is where the station used to be and we still get mail addressed to The Old Station House



My name (as my mother calls me anyway) Stephen. Re the picture its called the stoning ofStephenn and sometimes it feels like this every day LOL

My Maternalgrandma'ss name:- White and this was the first pic




Fav food :- Pork Chop and I picked this pic because I like my Pork fresh


Fav Drink:- Mug of tea ..... best drink of the day


Fav Song:- Homely Girl by UB40. Had to put the UB40 bit in the search or it came up with a rather buxom wench thatdidn'tt look very homely at all.



Fav Smell:- Fresh sawdust because it reminds me of my Grandad, it was my first job of the day to spread fresh sawdust on the floor of the butchers shopwherer I worked with my Dad and Grandad as a young lad

So there you have it, if you fancy having a go feel free but leave a comment so I know where to look.

My life is over

My life is over, its just downhill from now on.

Why? I'll tell you.....

I went to the shop for a newspaper on Saturday and was on my way out when I saw a young lad, about 7 or 8 unwrapping some sweets and throwing the paper on the floor, now one of my pet hates is litter, I dont see any reason for it, there are plenty of bins around and if there isnt put it in your pocket til you get home, simple really.

Anyway,this young boy was stood at the entrance no more than about 3 feet from the wastebin kindly provided by the shop, so I said " hey there's a bin there ( kid looks at me as if I have just sprouted another head) why dont you pick up your rubbish and put it in the bin?"

He looks at me with a disgusted glance and then picks up the rubbish and puts it in the wastebin. I say thankyou and go to walk off as his friend comes out of the shop and they start walking away from the shop too. As his friend starts to unwrap his sweets the kid I was talking to says to his friend" You'd better not throw your rubbish on the ground or that old man will tell you off"

Well that just about made my weekend........... I mean OLD MAN!!! I am 41 years old and I didnt think that I had reached that discription yet.

I told a friend this tale on Saturday night in the pub and he says "you think thats bad wait til you get your first grey pubic hair!!!"

See what I mean its all just coasting downhill from now on.

Lazy blog

I know I have been a lazy blogger just lately, normal service will be resumed shortly

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. ( and don't we all know it ;))
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.


Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.