Burger King Advert

Just a quick question.
Has the world gone bloody mad? Why? I'll tell you

I was sat down watching TV when an advert comes on for the latest Burger King promotion, you know the tie in with the King Kong film. The product being a triple "Kong" burger. The ad shows a huge burger falling down and squashing a car all pretty normal so far but then I notice in the bottom corner it says something like :- Product shown not actual size.
WTF are we so thick that we have to be told that when we buy a Kong burger we dont actually need a crane and a flatbed truck to take it home.

This made me go an surf to find out what other stupid warnings etc comapnies have used and strangely enough there is no shortage of them. Here's a few:-

Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.

Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:Product will be hot after heating.



Packaging for a Rowenta iron:Do not iron clothes on body.

Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

Nytol sleep aid:Warning: may cause drowsiness.

String of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.



Japanese food processor:Not to be used for the other use.

Sainsbury's peanuts:Warning: contains nuts.

American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.




Curling IronWarning: This product can burn eyes.

Hair Dryer-Do not use in shower.

Can of self-defense pepper spray.-May irritate eyes.

A birthday card for a 1 year old.--Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less

Microwave Oven:Do not use for drying pets.( I remember actually reading a story about a woman who tried to dry her poodle in a microwave........Ruined the microwave........ sorry)

Toilet brush--Do not use for personal hygiene. ( Tut back to the toilet paper then)

Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.



So tonight I can sleep safely in my bed knowing that if we were as thick as some manufacturers think we are then we wouldnt be able to get out of the house in the first place

Teenagers II the sequel

I have spoken/ blogged about teenagers before but I was over at Redmum’s reading this weeks column ( yes, she has a column now in the local paper, didn’t you know , tut, do please try to keep up) and she was talking about her daughter and doing her chores.
Read it here it will save me explaining it all.

Whilst reading it I got a real sense of deja vue, it seems that teenage children have inherent traits in their genes which are triggered by the passage of their 13th birthday.

As I have mentioned before I have a step son who is 14 and a daughter who is 13. My daughter was always a delight as she was growing up, helpful, polite, thoughtful, well behaved, tidy, it started to go downhill when she was 12 but as soon as she hit 13 I was sure that someone had stolen my daughter and left a monster in her place. A monster who can be moody, selfish, thoughtless, unbelievably untidy and that’s before we get to the hormonal bit.

My step son has the attention span of a goldfish and can be distracted more easily than a kitten with a ball of wool. He honestly can forget what he is going out of the living room for before he gets to the door. If the T.V is on then communication is futile, if the play station/game boy advance/computer is on then we could all be killed by a homicidal maniac using a pair of cymbals to squash our heads and he wouldn’t bat an eye lid.

All the kids have jobs to do to earn spends (allowance), like keep their bedroom clean and tidy (which tends to only happen when they want some spends) tidy up after themselves ( which never happens) and washing the pots ( dishes) after dinner.

At first with the washing up, I thought that my stepson was trying to be smart, by doing a bad job and taking over an hour to wash a few pots, so we wouldn’t ask him to do them again but it has happened so many times now that I believe he thinks he is doing a good job. I have gone to the cupboard to get a plate out only to find last nights dinner stuck to it in small dried globules or the remnants of tomato ketchup, that the kids had, on the back from the plates being stacked..

I have gone to get the cups to make a cup of tea only to find the inside of the cup stained with the last tea and sometimes rings around the inside: knives, forks and spoons with the remains of whatever was on it last time it was used.
In all these cases I am not just talking specks of stuff but huge patches, it really looks like they have been rinsed under the tap and put in the cupboard.

I have tried to show him how to do a good job, you know start with the glasses and work your way to the pans but I still catch him washing the pans first, so filling the water up with all those nasty bits that stick to everything else. I have also caught him hiding the pots in the oven so he didn’t have to wash them at all.
The standard answer I get if I ask why he has not washed them properly is the standard shrug and “ I don’t know” Which doesn’t really wind me up……. No really it doesn’t……..ha if you believe that you’ll believe anything. It just makes me think wtf….how many times does he have to rewash them before he learns that it is easier and quicker to do them right the first time. But then again I am not a teenager and haven’t been for a while (ok.. ok.. quite a while) and we all know teenagers know best.
I think parenting should come with a government health warning!

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was miffed.
He swore at the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little gits.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole bit!

I've busted my backside for nearly a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady moans cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those idiots from the tax office sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--and that isn't funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made tons of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...like I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat arse and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year
now you know the reason,
I found a big blonde.
I'm going SOUTH for the season

The best shop sign ever

You have been warned

This made me laugh

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant & there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table.

He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to
talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes & her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air & hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry" the woman says, as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you" she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together & afterwards they go to the theatre
followed by drinks.

They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams & he shares his.

She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her
place for a nightcap & stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!
"You know," he said "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"


"No," she replies . . . .








"You just happened to catch my eye."

(Oh shut up.... you know you will be telling it everyone tomorrow)